Sometimes you eat the bear... sometimes the bear eats you...

Heh... Ain't this always the way... yer trying to make a change in your life, trying to better yourself... and something from yer old life comes back to smack ya on the ass. I refer of course to my fling with Red. Some of you have been asking for the full story. I have not been exactly forthcoming, due to the length of it. Now I'll spill it.

Since this took place in a time in my life where not all of you have all the facts, I'll give the FULL story, this is gonna be a long one. So, for the uninitiated, the story goes like this. I was really good friends with Red's boyfriend, I'll call him... Speare. I met Speare in the drama club, when we were freshmen. We found that we were exactly similar in all ways but physically. He had a freaky obsession with comics, I had a freaky obsession with comics. He loved White Wolf roleplaying games, I loved White Wolf roleplaying games. Everything I was passionate about, he was passionate about... Ironically, that would come back to bite me on the ass.

The day we met, he introduced me to his girlfriend... Red. I was suckered in from the beginning. She had a quiet demeanor, and eyes that just seemed to smile at me. Her hair was the color of firey copper, and she had well defined jaw that that spoke of strong character (don't ask me why, i have a thing about jawlines, I only recently got one this past march). I fell. I fell hard.

But it was cool... I could stand back. I could hide my feelings. I could press my feelings down into a tiny pit in my stomach just like I had numerous times before. This wasn't the first time I'd felt this way about a friend's girlfriend. I think we all remember my infatuation with Thingie. Ah well, whatever Speare was a friend, but not a close one... yet.

Up until this time, I'd been somewhat depressed... I was stuck in Skook, and I'd had no friends... Spo and Calliander can attest to how desolate this shithole was, But it was home to Red and Speare, and they took me in. We quickly became very close, spending our nights drinking gallons of coffee in the dingy diners of Skook. We were like a small family, with Red and Speare being the parents, and me being the large demented child. It was a good time in my life. I was finally adjusting to my school. I didn't miss my friends as much (Remember that last night in CT, Spo and Calliander? I felt that way for a month until they took me in) I was finally settling in.

And then something changed. Red's father pulled some strings and managed to get her into the main campus in our second semester. Around this time I discovered ICQ, so I was able to talk to Red over the computer. Speare was somewhat of a luddite, and didn't do the whole Icq thing. Whatever. Things weren't going well. Red was very depressed. She missed Speare, she missed me, she missed everything. She was just so unhappy. We would talk for hours on end. She'd talk about how Speare pissed her off, I'd tell her how Demon Queen pissed me off. We became very close.

Speare wasn't faring much better, but he held his sadness on the inside. I couldn't tell. Since Red wasn't around, and all of Speare's friends went off to school, Speare and I hung out all the time. But Speare wasn't going to classes... I didn't care, he'd pass... I guessed.

The end of that year kinda felt like the end of Empire Strikes Back, very dark and foreboding, but with much more story left to happen. I was right. Over the summer I felt much better about the upcoming year. Red was coming back to Skook... it was gonna be like old times again! Boy was i fucking wrong. Something was different. Red was still depressed, even though she was home, with Speare. Speare was acting like a total asshole. He'd decided to take a semester off. Take some time to work on his writing, do some work to get cash for college. Understandable. What wasn't understandable was how he was treating Red and I. He completely abandoned us. When he wasn't working, he was studying, or writing, or researching comics (what he hoped to write). He had no time for us.

Speare's assholism couldn't have come at a worse time. Red and I were getting very close. She even took me to see Tori Amos, something I'd only done previously with Bleaker, and one other person. For those of you who know my fanaticism for Tori, know that that is an experience that I don't share lightly. Since Speare had abandoned us both, we spent almost all of our free time together. Things, couldn't have happened in a worse way. She was in dire need of companionship, I was head over heels in love with her. Bad, bad situation. But it was ok. I would stay neutral, between my love for Red, and my friendship with Speare. I am balance, I am the fulcrum. heh...

The next month or so was interesting. Speare had always sort of known I had a thing for Red, but he'd never known just HOW deep that was. Red eventually found out during one of our many conversations over ICQ. She was cool with it, and we remained friends... surprising, it's usually that point in a relationship where the girl shitcans me. Balance Lio, Balance.

And then came the day I had dreaded for a long time... the day the scales got tipped. Speare and Red got in one of their numerous fights. It seems that Red was upset that Speare would be unable to acompany Her and I in an apartment search at the main campus for the next year. During that fight, Speare made a comment that should have stayed between him and Red. Speare made a comment that completly mocked and belittled my dire struggle to keep my feelings in check. Speare destroyed our friendship. That night, Red came home and ICQ'd me and told me about what he said. She should've kept it to herself.

The gloves were off. The gauntlet was thrown. That night I swore to myself that if the chance for happieness with Red ever presented itself, I would take it and never look back. I would still not pursue Red... but if situations ever aligned themselves in the correct way... ah well, whatever, that was never gonna happen, right? Wrong.

Two weeks after I'd made my vow, the stars aligned and a situation presented itself. I took it with reckless abandon. Screw it. Ya know? Every girl I'd ever liked since I was 9 has done nothing but tear my heart out in the end. WHEN DO I GET TO BE HAPPY?!?! I wasn't going to let a little thing like a former friend stand in the way of my happieness. Besides, this wasn't all my fault. Maybe if Speare had paid more attention to Red, she wouldn't have let this happened, maybe she would have told me to go fuck myself. Maybe she would have told me to cool down. Maybe she would have said "no". That's all it would have taken, two simple little letters. Maybe if Speare had not repeatedly told Red TO HER FACE that she would ALWAYS come #2 to his writing, this wouldn't have happened. But that isn't how it happened. Screw it... Fuck maybe, this was real life, and I was going to convince Red that I was the better boyfriend. If I just loved her enough, took her out enough, paid enough attention to her... maybe she would be mine.

It was during this time that Speare dropped a bomb on me. The reason he was ignoring us was because during Red's time away at the main campus, he had failed out of school. He was working so hard to prepare himself to go back to school and bring his GPA back up. This was a funny little fact that Red neglected to tell me. A fact that, while it may or may not have kept me from Red, it definately would have been a fact that I would have pondered thoroughly had I known. Ok, whatever. He had a good excuse for ignoring us. But he still had NO excuse for treating Red the way he did. He was an inferior boyfriend, and I was going to gain my heart's desire.

It was shortly after this period that Red ended our affair. I couldn't believe it. I lost her. I lost her to a man that ignores her. I lost her to a man who mistreats her. I lost her to a man who barely showed her any affection. This was a crushing blow. What's wrong with me? Am I so bad that a girl would choose a man that treats her like the filth under his nails, over me? I lost her to the better man I guess... the better, thinner man...

Things changed. Red and I were not talking as frequently on ICQ. I felt her friendship slipping away. Something changed in me, where once my heart was consumed by desire for Red, it started to turn black and fill with bile. I was just angry all the time. Angry that I could no longer be with Red. Angry that Speare was with her, and still treating her like shit. Angry at the whole damn situation. I wrestled daily with the idea of getting vengeance and telling Speare, Red saw this, and it scared the shit out of her.

this was pretty much the theme of our friendship during the next year. We were at the main campus now, and Speare was not with us. I still wanted Red, and in the back of my head there always existed the hope that we would rekindle something, but such was not to be. But time was passing, wounds were healing. I gave Red my word that no matter how mad I got, I would never tell. I was slightly getting over things, I even managed to get a crush on Red's roommate. But something else miraculous was happening... My relationship with Speare was getting better. After a year apart I was able to look at him with a minimum of contempt in my heart. Now, mind you, I wasn't completly hate free. Occasionally I'd hear Speare say something that would drive me insane, or I'd get occasional lusts for vengeance on them both, but for the most part things were getting better. He moved up here over the summer, and things were getting better between us. Until one fateful night two weeks ago.

A bunch of us went out and things happened... long story short, I got accused of trying to instigate shit between Red and Speare. They left, and I sat in the bar FUMING. HAH! Starting shit! That's a laugh. IF I were trying to start shit I wouldn't have bothered with the piddly shit they were accusing me of... Give me some fucking credit. No... If I were trying to start shit, I'D DROP THE FUCKING BOMB! I started to think to myself "that might not be such a bad idea..." I just sat back and said... Whoa. I was starting to scare myself. That's what really started that whole "When did I become so fucking evil?" line of self questioning. That night is what led me to decide to settle all the disputes in my life. I'd decided to make amends with all things causing anger in my life right now. I didn't know exactly how I was going to do that with Red and Speare... but I'd figure it out. Well, I just found out the other night, after Red and Speare left the bar, Red told him about us. She was tired of living in fear that I might tell him. Smart girl. To be honest... I'm glad she told him. Not for any bullshit evil plan I have... fuck that. No, because Speare needed to know. Because I was tired of Red being afraid of me. Because maybe now we can open the paths to communication. Start again, with complete honesty and try to heal the sins of the past. Or maybe... well, I don't want think about that.