Kid Rock is Fucking Terrible

Fuck you, man - look, you and I both know that Kid Rock sucks, technically, as a rapper. Britney Spears' songs could be about PBR and Impalas instead of being about how she wants to E-Mail you her heart, and she'd still be a shitty singer.

The songs are fucking terrible. I agree that he talks about things that are cool, and sometimes he's even funny (although not clever), but, jesus christ, couldn't he mix up the tempo a little bit, or something:

The K-K-Kid Rock, that is my name
And if you ask me again, I'll tell you the same
Who's to blame...I don't really know
But my game's so tight I think I'm gonna go pro
So here we go...here here we go
I'm gonna rock it up high, then rock it down low
From the floor to the ceiling to the living room
'Cause people like to hear my bass go boom...boom...boom ba boom boom

Whatever the beat is in that song, it doesn't matter - because the rhyme doesn't interact with the beat at all. Stress the middle word and the last word in each line, write couplets, and talk about as much white trash Middle America stuff as you can. It doesn't change based on how the beat changes, it's not interesting to listen to, it's not clever, or anything else.

Here's another bit:

I'm like a train I roll hard...lettin' off much steam
In the Carhart flannel and dusty jeans baby
I never was cool with James Dean
But I be hanging tough with my man Jim Beam

Same thing as the last example, except this time he actually interrupts the endless plodding with a "baby!". But, he name-checks Carhartt, which makes him down to earth, and he doesn't like James Dean, but he likes whiskey.

My name is Kid Rock, and you got to understand
I'm down to earth, I play in an American band
I come from Detroit, I am White Trash
I don't like Axl, but I'll rock with Slash
I'll TALK about BEAM, I like TO get DRUNK
I'll still sell 10 mil even if my rhymes stink like skunk
The kids like my rhymes because I talk about hos
They don't know shit, but they'll still come to my shows

He must not spend more than an hour writing all of the lyrics to a sixty-minute long album.

What Britney Spears is to girls who like pop music, Kid Rock is to people who like ROCK AND ROLL and think it's funny when rappers talk about whores, money, and weed. They each have huge sales power, they're about as interesting as each other, they're the same damn thing.

And, look, I'm not going to begrudge little girls the right to listen to Britney Spears any more than I'm going to begrudge you the right to listen to Kid Rock - the little kids like the "doo doo doo doo doo" beats, that they can sing along with her, the fact that she's soooooo pretty, and like, positive and stuff, good for them.

My specific dislike of Kid Rock isn't, in itself, any more elitist than my dislike of Britney Spears.

Stone