Interview With Hillary Clinton
An Insult.org exclusive interview with the U.S. Presidential Candidate.
Editor's Note: Though she is busy on the campaign trail, we here at Insult.org managed to snag an interview with her that was a little bizarre but also somewhat expected. Our author, Lio Convoy, spoke with Mrs. Clinton over a video chat session and got to get out some pressing, atypical questions.
Lio Convoy: Secretary Clinton, thanks for agreeing to chat with me. It's a crazy election so I get that it's tough to do interviews, especially with a small place like us.
Clinton: Don't mention it. I was informed that your web site is largely ignored by the rest of the web.
L: That is true. We spoke with Donald Trump and encouraged him to be open and honest as a result of that. It garnered some interesting responses. Hopefully, you'll be willing to let loose as well.
C: I will do that. unzips outer layer of skin to reveal a lizard
L: Whoa, you're actually a lizard?!?
C: All of the people in charge of America are except, oddly, the Koch brothers and Mitch [McConnell].
L: Even Bernie Sanders?
C: He's not in charge of America.
L: Okay... well I had a bunch of questions but this is huge.
C: You can still ask them.
L: Uh, well, are you planning to prep as heavily for the second debate with Donald Trump?
C: It depends on his availability. We practice together. I know there were articles talking about my debate preparation but the news outlets report what we tell them to report.
L: So you're saying that you two are in league together?
C: Isn't that blatantly obvious?
L: Some people would argue that no, it isn't.
C: And those are the people who will be electing me as President in a little over a month.
L: And, as President, how do you plan to deal with some of our foreign aggressors like ISIS and Russia?
C: ISIS is a legitimate problem, since they are operating off of the grid. You're a problem when even al-Qaeda doesn't like you. As for Russia, all of [Vladimir] Putin's posturing is for show. Since he's a lizard, as well, he'll be fine after the election.
L: I don't know whether to be afraid about all of this or relieved that none of it was really in my hands.
C: There's no need to be afraid. The collective needs you humans to run everything, make products, farm, and reproduce to continue the cycle. We listen to you, even if it doesn't seem like things change. We know that over 75 percent of Americans want more money and to have burdensome loans forgiven. We know that Wells Fargo executives should be punished. We just can't enact the change too fast. Barry's [President Barack Obama] main problem was that he really went gung-ho and defied the rules. Too much change and too quickly. That's why Donald has been so successful - if the progression were slower we could have weeded out the malcontents.
L: And, by malcontents, you mean the basket of deplorables?
C: Exactly. Donald is very frank so he calls them scumbags, but I think we can rehabilitate them. We shouldn't be so quick to jettison them from our society or ignore their opinions.
L: We are close to the end of our time but I have to ask about the email server.
C: No problem. As it was explained to me, it's incredibly tough to set up an email server so when my people got it running they didn't care that it wasn't as secure as it could be.
L: Right, but what about the deleted emails and classified information?
C: If you had a personal email address and got sensitive data, wouldn't you simply delete it? Of course you would. In hindsight, for my situation, was that the best thing to do? Obviously not. But I didn't know that at the time. You don't know you're insecure until you get hacked.
L: That makes sense, in a strange way. Before we close, do you have any final words?
C: Yes. When I win, I will stick to the plan laid out by the collective. Higher minimum wage, student loan debts forgiven, sensible reform for laws surrounding firearms, immigration, and taxes. We will eliminate ISIS and not create another, more frightening cell of terrorism in its wake. We will continue to spray citizens with chemicals delivered by planes and jets. We will also try to hire some police officers who weren't the jocks you hated in high school, in an attempt to reduce some of these tragic shootings. Be with me this November. We are stronger together!
L: Thank you for your time, Secretary Clinton.
C: And you for yours. Take care!