Interview With Gary Johnson

An Insult.org exclusive interview with the U.S. Presidential Candidate.

Editor's Note: It took several attempts but we here at Insult.org finally got him to agree to a phone interview that provides some insight into how he thinks. Our author, SpoDudeZ0r, got to talk with Mr. Johnson for a short time and really dug in on some important issues.

SpoDudeZ0r: Mr. Johnson, thank you so much for finally agreeing to an interview with us. We know a small site like ours seems dubious.

Johnson: Thank you for having me. I was doubtful at first but then I saw you got to hear from the real Hillary and truthful-ish Trump.

S: Just like with them, feel free to be completely honest today.

J: We'll see how I feel.

S: Let's first go over the big piece of ammo that is being used against you these days: Aleppo. What plans do you have?

J: Well, if you are up on the news you'll see that we are finally calling Russia out for their lack of commitment there. I would definitely take a hard line like that with Bashar al-Assad because he's partly responsible.

S: Sounds like you've really taken some time to investigate that situation.

J: I had to after the monumental screw up I made.

S: Now, you do get press for your constant attacks on Donald Trump. You've even called him a "pussy" on multiple occasions. Some might say you are soft on Hillary Clinton in comparison. What is your response to that?

J: I'll refer to my Twitter feed during the first debate for that. I think I hit her pretty hard, as well. While I'll go after Clinton with facts and figures, I have to appeal to the large child that is Trump with base insults. I've got more dirt on both of them, though.

S: Such as?

J: Hillary Clinton pours the milk into the bowl before her cereal. If she's eating a steak, she'll cut the whole thing up before she even takes a bite. Plus, she orders them well done. She hangs the toilet paper underhand. For some reason, she thinks, "What a Man," is a better song than, "Shoop." Donald Trump is stupid and ugly. He smells like if AXE Body Spray mated with one of those durian fruits. His wife and children are imbeciles, as well, who never completed their primary education.

S: I didn't know any of that. What about your other trip-up, with naming a foreign leader you admire?

J: As a Libertarian, I'm really not supposed to admire any foreign leaders, so I had trouble trying to find a way to say that.

S: Then you finally settled on Vicente Fox.

J: I figured he's a pretty likable guy, for the most part. He's got a cool name, a great smile, and a killer mustache.

S: If only you had come up with his name...

J: If we're being honest? I was super high during that town hall forum.

S: That provides some useful insight. We are almost out of time, so let me ask: Any final comments?

J: This November, don't vote for the lesser of two evils. Hillary Clinton and Donald Trump are similar evils. You can vote for a real, viable candidate like me. A candidate who makes mistakes like you do, but takes responsibility for them - unlike opponents. I've never run anything off of a private email server. I didn't run my companies into the ground and use that to avoid paying taxes. After two terms as New Mexico's governor, I left with a surplus and a great economy. Vote for me and let's have our best America yet!

S: Wonderful! Thanks for your time, Mr. Johnson.

J: Thanks for yours, too!