Interview With Donald Trump

An Insult.org exclusive interview with the U.S. Presidential Candidate, unedited.

Editor's Note: As he tours the country, drumming up all of the support that he can, we here at Insult.org managed to snag a phone interview with him that was both enlightening and a little scary at times. Our author, Calliander, spoke with Mr. Trump for a short bit of time and asked some questions he thought were different from the usual ones.

Note on 11/22/2016: We are pleased to finally be able to release the rest of this interview! A good amount of it had to be trimmed out for reasons we can't mention, but now can be added back in.

Calliander: Mr. Trump, thank you very much for your time. I know you are quite busy and we are a fairly small outfit.

Trump: Yeah, I can see that. I just pulled your site up on my iPhone and you've got three obvious joke articles on there, no advertising at all. You guys catch anything for the one about pit bulls after Montreal?

C: No. We haven't put any effort into getting out there yet. Since we have a limited amount of time let me start by saying that you can feel free to be completely honest. In all likelihood, nobody's going to believe I even spoke to you.

T: Fire away, kid.

C: A lot of news outlets like to focus on things like your temperament and vilifying your supporters, along with claiming that your rhetoric is dangerous and harmful. Only a few have put forward that perhaps you're kidding - or, as the internet puts it - trolling. What do you think about that?

T: You said nobody would even believe you spoke with me, right? Well, it's kind of true.

C: Can you elaborate on that? Are you saying that you are kidding?

T: Does it seem likely to you that someone could seriously be unaware of how contradictory they are? Do you think it's a good idea to build a wall or deport Muslims?

C: Well no, but a huge chunk of your supporters do.

T: Yeah, because they're scumbags. They're scumbags who don't want to be a part of where America is heading. And they're easy to manipulate. So I took advantage of that.

C: Wow, I wasn't expecting to be right. How do you plan to temper their expectations if you get into office, when the reality of balance sets in?

T: I don't. I'm going to ignore them.

C: What about the other groups? The gun owners, religious groups, and so forth? You were just at a convention with a large group of conservative Christians, right?

T: Yeah, I've fooled them as well and I'll ignore them, too. Anyone with half a brain knows I'm an atheist.

C: That's all well and good but you have to know that you're causing a lot of fear on the left and energizing a lot of hatred on the right.

T: That may be the case but the left will bounce back. I won't want to alarm the radicals on the right, but if they act on that hatred I'll take care of them. The important thing right now is getting those jobs back for the middle class. I don't know if I'll be able to but I'll try.

C: That seems like you're playing the middle class.

T: If you want to look at it that way, that's fine.

C: Are you playing Hillary Clinton then, too?

T: No, she's a good friend. We've already spoken about what's going to happen if one or the other of us wins. It will be very cordial.

C: So you're saying that, as President, you'll work with Hillary Clinton?

T: I'll probably make her Secretary of State again. laughs

C: That would anger a lot of your base.

T: Do I sound like I care about that?

C: It doesn't seem like it.

T: In all likelihood I'll probably give some jobs to the people most critical of me, like Chris Christie.

C: That would be a surprising turn of events. Some might call that flip-flopping.

T: Again: Do I sound like I care about that?

C: I guess not. A Donald Trump Presidency, then, would not include building a wall or any of the other inflammatory stuff?

T: Of course not. Even if I meant those things, they'd be impossible to get past the idiots in Congress. You've got to read between my lines and see that what I have is a really great tax plan, a path to single-payer healthcare just like my fellow Republicans wanted during Bill Clinton's years, and an assault weapons ban.

C: Isn't an assault weapons ban impossible to implement? And isn't "assault weapons" a sort of vacuous term?

T: I didn't make that term up. But I'll make the ban happen.

C: Sorry, I can't resist - what about President Obama?

T: He's a good guy. But I'm not sorry about dragging him through the mud in order to gain the confidence of my voters.

C: You mean the birther movement, which you recently disavowed.

T: laughs Yeah, wasn't that genius?

C: On a professional level, yes. Ah, I think we are close to the end of our time. Do you have anything else to add, Mr. Trump?

T: Yes. When I win, I am going to take immense joy in proving all of my haters wrong. I'm going to run a strong White House and will not cause any wars. I'll surround myself with people who know the things I don't know, and they'll be the best. This November, make sure you vote for me and help to make America great again.

C: Thank you for your time, Mr. Trump.

T: It was a pleasure!