I thought I'd seen it all...

March 29th, 2001 / 12:04AM

My sister is the size of a house, literally. I think everyone who was here over last week can attest to this. It's almost as if she's absorbing all the pounds that Lio Convoy is losing! She got this way through her actions. Let me describe a typical day for my sister:

Wake up at 11:00 AM.
Go downstairs and make two boxes of greasy fish sticks.
Eat greasy fish sticks on expensive couch in living room while watching The Jerry Springer Show and similar programs.
Breathe heavily and talk back at TV.
After end of talk shows, go back into kitchen, cut up two apples and smother them in brown sugar and cinnamon.
Eat apples while watching the beginning of soap opera.
Go back into kitchen during commercial break and grab cereal with marshmallows and heavy cream mother uses for coffee.
Eat entire box of cereal using the heavy cream instead of milk, until end of soap opera.
Go back into pig sty room and wallow in clothes that have been on for weeks while watching movie stolen from brother.
Act pissy when pregnant friend calls on mother's phone line.
Yell at mother about how she doesn't love you.
Eat dinner provided by mother.
Consume 1/7 of a two-pound vat of cottage cheese.
Return downstairs to kitchen, grab bowl of Jell-O made the night before.
When finished, prepare another bowl of Jell-O for the next night.
Contemplate showering, decide against it. Go to sleep instead, unless strange men in red & yellow cars are waiting outside for sexual favors.

Don't think I'm exaggerating here. Cut out the cottage cheese bit, because my mother stopped buying it, but that's still her day. She does NOTHING. And I know she's my sister, but damn, she is the most useless human being on the planet. What prompted me to write about this tonight?

I just went upstairs to use my bathroom. She, of course, was in the fridge (no doubt wondering where the cottage cheese was). I checked to see what she was doing, to chide her about her weight (not something I usually do to her face), and I see her with the cold-cuts drawer open and a nectarine on the FLOOR. The same floor she spilled cranberry juice all over and "forgot" to wash tonight. She then peeled a slice of ham off the pile and wrapped it around the nectarine.

!!!!@#@&^JK@H @&E^LLLLBBLLLLB!@B&WDMXNCY@!(*!~@@!!!!!!!!!!!!!

WHAT?!?

Who wraps their nectarine in HAM before they eat it? Is this a common practice?! I'm going to go have an aneurysm now. Goodnight.