Cynicism 101

All day, people ask me why I'm such a cynical person. Once, I was riding with Caniprokis in the fall, and he commented on how he liked the colors of the leaves. My Exact response was, "Yeah, they're going to be dead soon." It's just a reflex to say that. Most of the time, I don't mean it, as in this case, I too enjoy that season, but lately I'm beginning to wonder if I'm actually turning into an angry, cynical asshole with a lousy attitude. And the story I'm about to tell should give you a good example of why I'm worrying about this sort of thing.

"Betty", we'll call her, and I met each other through a mutual friend. We actually met a few years ago, but we both moved off to school and nothing ever came of the time we spent together. Over this recent winter break, We saw each other at my friend's house, and started talking again, and I remembered why I was interested in her. She was smart, funny, pretty, and we had a lot in common. So I got her number, and on January first, we spent the entire day together; this would set the example for the days to come.

That whole week, we spent every night together. Hung out in the hot tub, went to see a movie, she came over to my house, I went over to hers, all that good stuff. By the end of the week, holding hands was assumed, and the proper position to watch a movie in was with our arms around each other. I was enjoying it, and could have sworn that she was too. That saturday night, it snowed and sleeted and was generally a shitty evening. She called me and told me that she was sick, so we talked for a bit, and then I decided to go see her, just to stop by and say hi. I was still in that stupidly optimistic stage, I thought that just because I showed up, she'd feel a little better. So I get into this huge agrument with my parents, they don't want me to drive all the way to her house (it's approx. 20 mins. in good weather), but I finally got out to see her. So I get to her house, and she's happy to see me, and we sit in her room and watch TV, and she starts to fall asleep, so I wish her goodnight and all and leave. I don't see her on sunday, but we talk for a long time, I can't even remember how late it was when we finally hung up. I see her the next day, but after that, she disappears. I leave a few messages over the course of a few days, and she doesn't return any of them. Finally, on Thursday, she calls me like nothing happened, and tells me that she was busy and didn't have time to call me back. So we watch a movie at my house, and things are back to the way they were before. Then the same thing happens. No response. It's now saturday afternoon, and I'm sitting at home wondering where she is, why she isn't calling me, all those crappy self-doubt thoughts, when she calls me and invites me out with her and her brother and his girlfriend. I was a little upset, but didn't say anything about it, I mean, she WAS inviting me out with her...so we go out and have a really good time and everything. Afterwards, we're back at her house, and it's late and I'm getting ready to leave. I take her aside and ask her about her and me, as in, does such a thing as her and me even exist. She makes this face, and then starts to whine about how we live almost an hour apart (she goes to school near Uconn)and how she's not sure if she can handle a long distance relationship...but she says that she'll think about it and talk to me about it before she goes back to school on Wednesday. (That was saturday) I haven't heard from her since. She emailed me on Tuesday, the day before she was leaving to tell me that once again, she was too busy to return my phone call, and that she was leaving at 2 the next day. That was the last I've heard from her.

Now, I've gotten past the being sad and upset part of this mess, and now I'm left with a general sense of anger and still more cynicism. The layers just keep getting thicker. I'm starting to wonder if I'm turning into one of those old guys who sit in bars and complain about everything. The kind of guy who says "I'm sorry" when someone announces that they're getting married. I suppose the thing that gets to me the most, after this has sat for a week or so, is that not only was my trust and sincerity taken advantage of, but that I let it happen. I walked right into it, with open eyes, but didn't see it. I never could understand people who had a fear of intimacy or commitment, but after getting dragged through the shit so many times, I think I know where they're coming from. That feeling sucks, and I wouldn't wish it on anyone. I'm not saying that I'm going to lock myself in my room forever, but I'm sure that this experience has left me more guarded, more wary of things, and certainly more cynical. I would love to be able to take things at face value, to believe exactly what people tell me, but I don't think I can anymore. What the fuck do I know anyway...