Christmas and being fat

So I hate Christmas. I hate everything that it has come to stand for. The original purpose -- our saviour being born and all that -- is great. But who actually thinks about that during Christmas time. All it seems to be about anymore is buying gifts for people and having people buy you gifts. That turns into a trip or two to the mall which is a nightmare in itself. Then you buy stuff and you're afraid it isn't what the person wants, you've spent too much, you haven't spent enough, so on and so on. All this Christmas has accomplished is making me feel bad and making me spend loads of money that I don't have. I am fortunate enough to not have any educationally related debt (school loans, paying for school, etc), yet I have still managed to rack up nearly $4,000 in debt and have very little to show for it. The holiday time does nothing but make me feel bad and worry.

Then there is the mall, oh God, the mall. I hate it with a passion. I hate people. I hate all the bells. I hate how everything is so expensive. I hate everything about it. My feet hurt. I get thirsty and have to pay an arm and a leg for a trashy soda. I can never find what I want and then I go back and forth about what to buy. It's awful. I think a big part of hating the mall is hating people. I hate people so much. They're trash, a good 95% of them. How is that for Christmas spirit? They're fat and they're stupid and annoying and oh how I need something to make me relax. I walk by these people dressed like freaks. Hey, self-expression of whatever bullshit, you can dress however you want, I don't care. But don't be surprised when people look at you like the freak you're dressed up to be. People are rude and ... oh how I hate the malls and the holidays.

What ever happened to Christmas being the best time of the year? When you could stretch it out for the whole month of December and it was happy. There were lights everywhere and Christmas music and people seemed happy. I don't know, maybe I was just a delusional child. I have no money and that ruins the holidays which is just a reminder that everything has become so materialistic. Enough banter about this.

So I bought the Atkin's Diet book and I'm going to start that soon, hopefully Monday if I can read enough to know what to do. I'm not obese or even terribly overweight, but I'm fat enough to hate myself. I'd like to lose at least 40 pounds, 50 would be good. I've been near my goal weight before and I was so happy. It was like I was a different person. I don't really know how I gained all the weight back, but whatever, I want it gone for good. I don't want people to tell me to eat a salad. I don't want people to look at me in restaurants and think "that girl could afford to skip a meal" like I think about fat people. Fat girls aren't pretty and I don't want to be one. Wish me luck.

1212 Out.