(Another) Interview With Donald Trump

As he faces incredible scrutiny, I managed to snag a phone interview with Mr. Trump. Though I only spoke with him for a short bit of time, I think I asked some tough questions, and as always he gave some surprising answers.

Calliander: Welcome back, Mr. Trump!

Donald J. Trump: Thanks. It's been a while, hasn't it?

C: Seven years, and some change, I believe. Right before your 2016 election victory.

DJT: What a beautiful tradition. When my useless children run for office, you should interview them, too.

C: Maybe! Well, I know you're very busy and I have three questions, so I'll just dive right in.

DJT: Be my guest, kid.

C: [chuckles] Kid, thanks. So first off, can't ignore it, the Manhattan indictment. How are you feeling about that?

DJT: Well it's a witch hunt, obviously. But it's also a wonderful thing. The Democrat party is so afraid of me, and they send this DA to do their dirty work. It's political. It's all political. And it's fake, of course, all fake. I've never even met that porn woman with the horse face. And people know it's fake, and they're angry about it. It helps me.

C: I mean, sure, that's the campaign rhetoric. But let me be frank, if I can, Mr. Trump. I used to listen to Howard Stern. I don't know if any of these charges that Mr. Bragg hit you with are true, or even if you and Ms. Daniels engaged in anything untoward, but at the least you met her.

DJT: Of course. You're a smart kid. But I can keep saying I never met her because Howard Stern could release those tapes and my followers would say it's a deep fake.

C: Chilling. Okay, let me move on to Russia. You recently seemed to express some encouraging words for Putin's actions against Ukraine. What was the line of thought there?

DJT: Putin is a strong man, you know? And Sleepy Joe thinks we can make him back down. But I'm a strong man, and I know how to deal with Putin, and it isn't sanctions. He's going to win, so we should put our money on the right horse.

C: What kind of horse do you think Putin is?

DJT: A palomino quarter horse.

C: Wow, that was fast. You've obviously given this some thought.

DJT: You said three questions, is that all of them?

C: Sorry, I got sidetracked. Now, just to clarify, you called your children useless. I assume that's Don Jr. and Eric?

DJT: And Tiffany.

C: But not Barron or—

DJT: Never Ivanka.

C: I'm glad you named her specifically because the final question actually pertains to her. [I paused here, in an attempt to make him sweat, because he knows I know about what he did to her as a child.] Or, more accurately, her husband.

DJT: He's useless, too.

C: Perhaps. But did you know he was the original person behind Q, mixing privileged information into his posts before the account was stolen?

DJT: Q? From Star Trek? Very funny guy, that Q.

C: No, from the Qanon group.

DJT: Never heard of them.

C: Mr. Trump, seriously, you publicly stated you've heard of Qanon. So your son-in-law, Jared Kushner, was Q at one point. And I think you know that, too.

DJT: [very clearly hits mute on the conference phone he's using, then returns after a minute of silence] You're being very nasty, young man. Very unfair to me right now.

C: You'll have to excuse me, Mr. Trump. I'm not one of your followers or your haters, so I exercise some level of critical thinking. Aside from that, Jared and I had accounts on the website where the whole top-secret Q thing originated. Where he created it originally. As a joke.

DJT: [another pause while muted, and he returns without his usual affected speaking style] I'm not going to comment on that. You're talking about anecdotal information and speculation.

C: Can I assume our call is almost over, then?

DJT: You have a good day, young man. [hangs up]