Titanic: 2

Humans: 0

Pat Robertson is dead.

Good riddance to one of the worst pieces of human garbage to ever live. Hell isn't real, but rot there anyway, Pat Robertson, you fuck.

As he faces incredible scrutiny, I managed to snag a phone interview with Mr. Trump. Though I only spoke with him for a short bit of time, I think I asked some tough questions, and as always he gave some surprising answers.

Calliander: Welcome back, Mr. Trump!

Donald J. Trump: Thanks. It's been a while, hasn't it?

C: Seven years, and some change, I believe. Right before your 2016 election victory.

DJT: What a beautiful tradition. When my useless children run for office, you should interview them, too.

C: Maybe! Well, I know you're very busy and I have three questions, so I'll just dive right in.

DJT: Be my guest, kid.

C: [chuckles] Kid, thanks. So first off, can't ignore it, the Manhattan indictment. How are you feeling about that?

DJT: Well it's a witch hunt, obviously. But it's also a wonderful thing. The Democrat party is so afraid of me, and they send this DA to do their dirty work. It's political. It's all political. And it's fake, of course, all fake. I've never even met that porn woman with the horse face. And people know it's fake, and they're angry about it. It helps me.

C: I mean, sure, that's the campaign rhetoric. But let me be frank, if I can, Mr. Trump. I used to listen to Howard Stern. I don't know if any of these charges that Mr. Bragg hit you with are true, or even if you and Ms. Daniels engaged in anything untoward, but at the least you met her.

DJT: Of course. You're a smart kid. But I can keep saying I never met her because Howard Stern could release those tapes and my followers would say it's a deep fake.

C: Chilling. Okay, let me move on to Russia. You recently seemed to express some encouraging words for Putin's actions against Ukraine. What was the line of thought there?

DJT: Putin is a strong man, you know? And Sleepy Joe thinks we can make him back down. But I'm a strong man, and I know how to deal with Putin, and it isn't sanctions. He's going to win, so we should put our money on the right horse.

C: What kind of horse do you think Putin is?

DJT: A palomino quarter horse.

C: Wow, that was fast. You've obviously given this some thought.

DJT: You said three questions, is that all of them?

C: Sorry, I got sidetracked. Now, just to clarify, you called your children useless. I assume that's Don Jr. and Eric?

DJT: And Tiffany.

C: But not Barron or—

DJT: Never Ivanka.

C: I'm glad you named her specifically because the final question actually pertains to her. [I paused here, in an attempt to make him sweat, because he knows I know about what he did to her as a child.] Or, more accurately, her husband.

DJT: He's useless, too.

C: Perhaps. But did you know he was the original person behind Q, mixing privileged information into his posts before the account was stolen?

DJT: Q? From Star Trek? Very funny guy, that Q.

C: No, from the Qanon group.

DJT: Never heard of them.

C: Mr. Trump, seriously, you publicly stated you've heard of Qanon. So your son-in-law, Jared Kushner, was Q at one point. And I think you know that, too.

DJT: [very clearly hits mute on the conference phone he's using, then returns after a minute of silence] You're being very nasty, young man. Very unfair to me right now.

C: You'll have to excuse me, Mr. Trump. I'm not one of your followers or your haters, so I exercise some level of critical thinking. Aside from that, Jared and I had accounts on the website where the whole top-secret Q thing originated. Where he created it originally. As a joke.

DJT: [another pause while muted, and he returns without his usual affected speaking style] I'm not going to comment on that. You're talking about anecdotal information and speculation.

C: Can I assume our call is almost over, then?

DJT: You have a good day, young man. [hangs up]

Look, I get it. I'm angry, too. But, instead of their children, how about we just get them? Kentucky's law will probably get challenged but that doesn't change how awful it is. People like Max Wise and the Family Foundation are useless bullies.

Remove them from this mortal coil.

violence against transphobes and racists is not only acceptable... it is encouraged.

I write this as the country waits for the U.S. House to resume following six failed votes to elect a Speaker. While I suspect that Kevin McCarthy will eventually give up enough ass to win the post he so clearly and desperately desires, let me offer another alternative.

Me.

As is the case with me running Twitter, I suspect that Republicans and other conservative folks might not be happy with my rules and procedures as Speaker of the House. But I can tell you that in no way will I bend the knee to the Democrats. Anyone I deem to be a smartass or acting in poor faith will be called into my office and physically threatened. When legislation needs to pass, I'll suspend any rules necessary to get it passed. Better rules, term limits, Congressional paycuts, funding with riders, but a hesitant House? Passed, irrespective of the vote.

I don't have a long list of reasons like I did for running Twitter, but I'll say right now: My iron fist will apply just as much to Jim Jordan, with his copypasta nonsense speeches, as to Al Green, with his out-of-order floor speeches. (And, keep in mind, I fucking love Al Green's out-of-order floor speeches.)

Peace out.

To piggyback off my previous post, if I'm a partisan about anything it's being against dumb, cloying arguments. I'm definitely a leftie, so don't think I'm going to be yelling about Brandon or something but folks on the right don't hold exclusive rights to "click bait" politics.

Enter Rex Huppke. I had no idea who he was until his op-ed pieces began appearing in USA Today. Lame, vanilla USA Today signed him on in May (along with, I believe, someone his opposite) and suddenly I couldn't get his bylines off my screen.

• Either believe Jan. 6 committee testimony or welcome President Oprah and Vice President AOC

• After SCOTUS abortion ruling, Democrats must meet Republicans in the Middle ... Ages

• Can Thor's naked butt unite a divided America? Yes. Yes it can.

• Confused by abortion laws, anxious about intimacy? The answer is clear: We must ban sex.

• Is 'wokeness' responsible for US and European heat waves? Absolutely.

• Fly DeSantis Airways, America's No. 1 airline for exploited migrants!

• Kanye West, Tommy Tuberville and the antisemitic, racist, no good, very bad weekend

• I have already won Wednesday night's Powerball jackpot. Anyone who disagrees will be sued.

• Noted political loser Donald Trump announces plan to lose presidential race again

I could go on, but with a few exceptions, all his pieces are junk like this: Smarmy, pseudo-humorous pablum for equally bland people to share via email like it's 1998 or something. Those exceptions I mentioned? A few "normal" story titles which are sometimes shown without any indication that he's the author. But the content is always the same. Huppke makes asinine remarks, striving to pass them off as bemused observations from a disaffected centrist, even though it's clear he's a liberal.

I recognize his bullshit from even a passing glance because it's nearly the exact same style of writing I used to employ. I felt a certain way, but was too cowardly to actually espouse my real views. So I couched them in attempted humor, hoping that a jocular approach might make such opinions more palatable to others.

Nowadays, of course, I don't give a fuck.

So, despite utilizing the very tactic I'm describing when writing the title of this post, let me be extremely clear:

Rex Huppke is a hack, a lousy writer, and should not have his garbarge opinion pieces in any publication.

With any luck, my dreams will come true. Stay tuned for my next post in this series: I Hope USA Today's Ingrid Jacques Receives Electric Shocks From Everything She Touches All Year Round.

If you've read my other recent posts you might get the impression that I'm a partisan. This post will hopefully clear that up. If I'm a partisan for anything it's mature, reasonable behavior. Since conservatives do not have a lock on immature and unreasonable behavior, though, let me dig in.

That's a collage of several bullshit Tweets from accounts like Occupy Democrats, BrooklynDad_Defiant!, MeidasTouch, MayraPhotography, and Kyle Becker. They feature asinine "retweet if" or "raise your hand if" calls and/or username emojis and/or images without ALT text.

I included Kyle Becker to help illustrate a particular point, but the biggest motivator behind this post primarily comes from the left:

• "RT IF YOU THINK..."

• "Raise your hand if..."

This is unreasonable behavior. Influencer/engagement claptrap that strokes the egos of the retweeters and hand raisers. Do conservatives do it, too? You bet. But the more annoying stuff stems from TDS. Righties ask you to retweet easy-to-ignore things like election conspiracies or gun rights or whatever.

I use the term, "grifter," for these kind of accounts because, while Liberal91826638 might get a dopamine boost from LOL'ing at Trump, the blue checks make money off this junk. Occupy Democrats and MeidasTouch have direct PACs that benefit from the "retweet/raise hand" -> follow -> outrage posts -> donate pipeline. And make no mistake about it, they're keeping that money.

Now, you might be wondering where the emojis and the ALT text fit in. If you're aware how those things play into accessibility, congrats. If not, a short intro:

• MayraPhotography's username is all in special characters (unicode). For some users of screen reader software, this can be beyond frustrating.

• Kyle Becker's Tweet reads, "Here is what a state election that makes no sense looks like," followed by an emoji pointing down and an image of election results. He didn't include ALT text, nor did he describe the image. Someone who can't make that image out has no idea what he's referring to.

How is that unreasonable or immature? Most of these users are aware of those problems with their posts. And while I'd believe it if I found out Kyle Becker had no idea, I'm sure he just doesn't care – like the majority of liberals posting memes of Trump being arrested or whatever. MayraPhotography and others don't care that their usernames are problematic to screen readers. They don't care that they're excluding a chunk of people from the full context of their posts by leaving out ALT text.

"But Calliander, the featured image on this very page doesn't have ALT text!"

Exactly. In the case of posts like this, I describe that image's content in the text where it's relevant. For most of my posts, the image is presentational only.

So get your shit together, liberals.

And stay tuned for my next post, "I Hope USA Today's Rex Huppke Stubs His Toe Every Day For the Rest of His Life." 🤣🤣🤣

If the news reports are accurate, Elon Musk wants to decimate a majority of Twitter's workforce after he buys the site.

From a financial perspective, this makes sense: Slimmer operating costs = benefit to people with monetary stake.

I'm not a capitalist ghoul like Musk or ... well, I mean, anyone with a stock portfolio. So I take some issue with the idea of this human fire sale. If I worked at Twitter I'd send the guy at least one fuckin' death threat. "Fire me and I'll remove you from this mortal coil." No way to follow through on that but at least it'd feel nice. And it fits right in with my "America is Broken" take – why bother being civil to people who have no regard for your well-being?

Anyway, since Musk has a whole army of douchebags hanging from his online nuts, if this somehow makes its way out to the world at large maybe I'll get some threatening emails. Whatever. Elon Musk is a piece of shit who doesn't deserve to breathe air and his fanboys are puerile, self-centered, opportunist scumbags.

Sidebar: It's annoying that Pappy (the founder of this site, may he RIP in peace) never really took the initiative to get his products out there because he was a much cooler privileged, white South African guy.

Let me make this easy for you.

They don't have to cancel student debt.

But we'll get the money from you regardless. Do you really want to end up bloody?

OK, liberals & my fellow lefties. Here's the deal. We've got one path forward. You're not going to like it, but it's the only route still available.

Arm and train teachers so they can, "protect the children."

Arm yourselves and train so you can, "protect your family."

Then, you use those arms and that training to overthrow the United States government.

i hope someone assassinates mitch mcconnell.

Looks like Ghislaine Maxwell will ‘commit suicide’ soon!

police lives don’t matter

that's the whole post.

Michael Strahan is supposedly this really sweet, soft-spoken guy in real life - with like, opinions he can back up and none of the typical football baggage. I hear he writes pretty intricate poetry.

Yet, any time he's on a TV show his character is a big, dumb, bully. I wonder how he feels about being typecast. Does that inspire his poetry?

I'll bet he would explain to me why he isn't bothered by it, and how he feels empowered by it, and I'd be like, "Thank you, Michael Strahan, for opening my eyes."

An Insult.org exclusive interview with the U.S. Presidential Candidate.

Editor's Note: It took several attempts but we here at Insult.org finally got him to agree to a phone interview that provides some insight into how he thinks. Our author, SpoDudeZ0r, got to talk with Mr. Johnson for a short time and really dug in on some important issues.

SpoDudeZ0r: Mr. Johnson, thank you so much for finally agreeing to an interview with us. We know a small site like ours seems dubious.

Johnson: Thank you for having me. I was doubtful at first but then I saw you got to hear from the real Hillary and truthful-ish Trump.

S: Just like with them, feel free to be completely honest today.

J: We'll see how I feel.

S: Let's first go over the big piece of ammo that is being used against you these days: Aleppo. What plans do you have?

J: Well, if you are up on the news you'll see that we are finally calling Russia out for their lack of commitment there. I would definitely take a hard line like that with Bashar al-Assad because he's partly responsible.

S: Sounds like you've really taken some time to investigate that situation.

J: I had to after the monumental screw up I made.

S: Now, you do get press for your constant attacks on Donald Trump. You've even called him a "pussy" on multiple occasions. Some might say you are soft on Hillary Clinton in comparison. What is your response to that?

J: I'll refer to my Twitter feed during the first debate for that. I think I hit her pretty hard, as well. While I'll go after Clinton with facts and figures, I have to appeal to the large child that is Trump with base insults. I've got more dirt on both of them, though.

S: Such as?

J: Hillary Clinton pours the milk into the bowl before her cereal. If she's eating a steak, she'll cut the whole thing up before she even takes a bite. Plus, she orders them well done. She hangs the toilet paper underhand. For some reason, she thinks, "What a Man," is a better song than, "Shoop." Donald Trump is stupid and ugly. He smells like if AXE Body Spray mated with one of those durian fruits. His wife and children are imbeciles, as well, who never completed their primary education.

S: I didn't know any of that. What about your other trip-up, with naming a foreign leader you admire?

J: As a Libertarian, I'm really not supposed to admire any foreign leaders, so I had trouble trying to find a way to say that.

S: Then you finally settled on Vicente Fox.

J: I figured he's a pretty likable guy, for the most part. He's got a cool name, a great smile, and a killer mustache.

S: If only you had come up with his name...

J: If we're being honest? I was super high during that town hall forum.

S: That provides some useful insight. We are almost out of time, so let me ask: Any final comments?

J: This November, don't vote for the lesser of two evils. Hillary Clinton and Donald Trump are similar evils. You can vote for a real, viable candidate like me. A candidate who makes mistakes like you do, but takes responsibility for them - unlike opponents. I've never run anything off of a private email server. I didn't run my companies into the ground and use that to avoid paying taxes. After two terms as New Mexico's governor, I left with a surplus and a great economy. Vote for me and let's have our best America yet!

S: Wonderful! Thanks for your time, Mr. Johnson.

J: Thanks for yours, too!

An Insult.org exclusive interview with the U.S. Presidential Candidate.

Editor's Note: Though she is busy on the campaign trail, we here at Insult.org managed to snag an interview with her that was a little bizarre but also somewhat expected. Our author, Lio Convoy, spoke with Mrs. Clinton over a video chat session and got to get out some pressing, atypical questions.

Lio Convoy: Secretary Clinton, thanks for agreeing to chat with me. It's a crazy election so I get that it's tough to do interviews, especially with a small place like us.

Clinton: Don't mention it. I was informed that your web site is largely ignored by the rest of the web.

L: That is true. We spoke with Donald Trump and encouraged him to be open and honest as a result of that. It garnered some interesting responses. Hopefully, you'll be willing to let loose as well.

C: I will do that. unzips outer layer of skin to reveal a lizard

L: Whoa, you're actually a lizard?!?

C: All of the people in charge of America are except, oddly, the Koch brothers and Mitch [McConnell].

L: Even Bernie Sanders?

C: He's not in charge of America.

L: Okay... well I had a bunch of questions but this is huge.

C: You can still ask them.

L: Uh, well, are you planning to prep as heavily for the second debate with Donald Trump?

C: It depends on his availability. We practice together. I know there were articles talking about my debate preparation but the news outlets report what we tell them to report.

L: So you're saying that you two are in league together?

C: Isn't that blatantly obvious?

L: Some people would argue that no, it isn't.

C: And those are the people who will be electing me as President in a little over a month.

L: And, as President, how do you plan to deal with some of our foreign aggressors like ISIS and Russia?

C: ISIS is a legitimate problem, since they are operating off of the grid. You're a problem when even al-Qaeda doesn't like you. As for Russia, all of [Vladimir] Putin's posturing is for show. Since he's a lizard, as well, he'll be fine after the election.

L: I don't know whether to be afraid about all of this or relieved that none of it was really in my hands.

C: There's no need to be afraid. The collective needs you humans to run everything, make products, farm, and reproduce to continue the cycle. We listen to you, even if it doesn't seem like things change. We know that over 75 percent of Americans want more money and to have burdensome loans forgiven. We know that Wells Fargo executives should be punished. We just can't enact the change too fast. Barry's [President Barack Obama] main problem was that he really went gung-ho and defied the rules. Too much change and too quickly. That's why Donald has been so successful - if the progression were slower we could have weeded out the malcontents.

L: And, by malcontents, you mean the basket of deplorables?

C: Exactly. Donald is very frank so he calls them scumbags, but I think we can rehabilitate them. We shouldn't be so quick to jettison them from our society or ignore their opinions.

L: We are close to the end of our time but I have to ask about the email server.

C: No problem. As it was explained to me, it's incredibly tough to set up an email server so when my people got it running they didn't care that it wasn't as secure as it could be.

L: Right, but what about the deleted emails and classified information?

C: If you had a personal email address and got sensitive data, wouldn't you simply delete it? Of course you would. In hindsight, for my situation, was that the best thing to do? Obviously not. But I didn't know that at the time. You don't know you're insecure until you get hacked.

L: That makes sense, in a strange way. Before we close, do you have any final words?

C: Yes. When I win, I will stick to the plan laid out by the collective. Higher minimum wage, student loan debts forgiven, sensible reform for laws surrounding firearms, immigration, and taxes. We will eliminate ISIS and not create another, more frightening cell of terrorism in its wake. We will continue to spray citizens with chemicals delivered by planes and jets. We will also try to hire some police officers who weren't the jocks you hated in high school, in an attempt to reduce some of these tragic shootings. Be with me this November. We are stronger together!

L: Thank you for your time, Secretary Clinton.

C: And you for yours. Take care!

An Insult.org exclusive interview with the U.S. Presidential Candidate, unedited.

Editor's Note: As he tours the country, drumming up all of the support that he can, we here at Insult.org managed to snag a phone interview with him that was both enlightening and a little scary at times. Our author, Calliander, spoke with Mr. Trump for a short bit of time and asked some questions he thought were different from the usual ones.

Note on 11/22/2016: We are pleased to finally be able to release the rest of this interview! A good amount of it had to be trimmed out for reasons we can't mention, but now can be added back in.

Calliander: Mr. Trump, thank you very much for your time. I know you are quite busy and we are a fairly small outfit.

Trump: Yeah, I can see that. I just pulled your site up on my iPhone and you've got three obvious joke articles on there, no advertising at all. You guys catch anything for the one about pit bulls after Montreal?

C: No. We haven't put any effort into getting out there yet. Since we have a limited amount of time let me start by saying that you can feel free to be completely honest. In all likelihood, nobody's going to believe I even spoke to you.

T: Fire away, kid.

C: A lot of news outlets like to focus on things like your temperament and vilifying your supporters, along with claiming that your rhetoric is dangerous and harmful. Only a few have put forward that perhaps you're kidding - or, as the internet puts it - trolling. What do you think about that?

T: You said nobody would even believe you spoke with me, right? Well, it's kind of true.

C: Can you elaborate on that? Are you saying that you are kidding?

T: Does it seem likely to you that someone could seriously be unaware of how contradictory they are? Do you think it's a good idea to build a wall or deport Muslims?

C: Well no, but a huge chunk of your supporters do.

T: Yeah, because they're scumbags. They're scumbags who don't want to be a part of where America is heading. And they're easy to manipulate. So I took advantage of that.

C: Wow, I wasn't expecting to be right. How do you plan to temper their expectations if you get into office, when the reality of balance sets in?

T: I don't. I'm going to ignore them.

C: What about the other groups? The gun owners, religious groups, and so forth? You were just at a convention with a large group of conservative Christians, right?

T: Yeah, I've fooled them as well and I'll ignore them, too. Anyone with half a brain knows I'm an atheist.

C: That's all well and good but you have to know that you're causing a lot of fear on the left and energizing a lot of hatred on the right.

T: That may be the case but the left will bounce back. I won't want to alarm the radicals on the right, but if they act on that hatred I'll take care of them. The important thing right now is getting those jobs back for the middle class. I don't know if I'll be able to but I'll try.

C: That seems like you're playing the middle class.

T: If you want to look at it that way, that's fine.

C: Are you playing Hillary Clinton then, too?

T: No, she's a good friend. We've already spoken about what's going to happen if one or the other of us wins. It will be very cordial.

C: So you're saying that, as President, you'll work with Hillary Clinton?

T: I'll probably make her Secretary of State again. laughs

C: That would anger a lot of your base.

T: Do I sound like I care about that?

C: It doesn't seem like it.

T: In all likelihood I'll probably give some jobs to the people most critical of me, like Chris Christie.

C: That would be a surprising turn of events. Some might call that flip-flopping.

T: Again: Do I sound like I care about that?

C: I guess not. A Donald Trump Presidency, then, would not include building a wall or any of the other inflammatory stuff?

T: Of course not. Even if I meant those things, they'd be impossible to get past the idiots in Congress. You've got to read between my lines and see that what I have is a really great tax plan, a path to single-payer healthcare just like my fellow Republicans wanted during Bill Clinton's years, and an assault weapons ban.

C: Isn't an assault weapons ban impossible to implement? And isn't "assault weapons" a sort of vacuous term?

T: I didn't make that term up. But I'll make the ban happen.

C: Sorry, I can't resist - what about President Obama?

T: He's a good guy. But I'm not sorry about dragging him through the mud in order to gain the confidence of my voters.

C: You mean the birther movement, which you recently disavowed.

T: laughs Yeah, wasn't that genius?

C: On a professional level, yes. Ah, I think we are close to the end of our time. Do you have anything else to add, Mr. Trump?

T: Yes. When I win, I am going to take immense joy in proving all of my haters wrong. I'm going to run a strong White House and will not cause any wars. I'll surround myself with people who know the things I don't know, and they'll be the best. This November, make sure you vote for me and help to make America great again.

C: Thank you for your time, Mr. Trump.

T: It was a pleasure!

My wife went to open a box of tissues - one of those ones you get in the shrink-wrapped pack of 6 or whatever from Target - and when she pulled off the cardboard piece the box was empty! Zero tissues. No evidence of tampering, it just must not have gone through all the steps at the factory somehow.

I don't know why it's so funny but I'm still laughing about it.

DJ friends who do parties where the audience is predominantly white and over 25, I have a game for you:

Obtain the bass loop from the beginning of Sir Mix-a-Lot's "Baby Got Back" (you know, the part that loops while those mean women speak ill of the rap guy's girlfriend). Just the bass itself, not the women talking.

See how many times you can loop that before the crowd's enthusiasm dies down and/or you start getting, "WTF?!" looks.