An Insult.org exclusive interview with the U.S. Presidential Candidate.

Editor's Note: Though she is busy on the campaign trail, we here at Insult.org managed to snag an interview with her that was a little bizarre but also somewhat expected. Our author, Lio Convoy, spoke with Mrs. Clinton over a video chat session and got to get out some pressing, atypical questions.

Lio Convoy: Secretary Clinton, thanks for agreeing to chat with me. It's a crazy election so I get that it's tough to do interviews, especially with a small place like us.

Clinton: Don't mention it. I was informed that your web site is largely ignored by the rest of the web.

L: That is true. We spoke with Donald Trump and encouraged him to be open and honest as a result of that. It garnered some interesting responses. Hopefully, you'll be willing to let loose as well.

C: I will do that. unzips outer layer of skin to reveal a lizard

L: Whoa, you're actually a lizard?!?

C: All of the people in charge of America are except, oddly, the Koch brothers and Mitch [McConnell].

L: Even Bernie Sanders?

C: He's not in charge of America.

L: Okay... well I had a bunch of questions but this is huge.

C: You can still ask them.

L: Uh, well, are you planning to prep as heavily for the second debate with Donald Trump?

C: It depends on his availability. We practice together. I know there were articles talking about my debate preparation but the news outlets report what we tell them to report.

L: So you're saying that you two are in league together?

C: Isn't that blatantly obvious?

L: Some people would argue that no, it isn't.

C: And those are the people who will be electing me as President in a little over a month.

L: And, as President, how do you plan to deal with some of our foreign aggressors like ISIS and Russia?

C: ISIS is a legitimate problem, since they are operating off of the grid. You're a problem when even al-Qaeda doesn't like you. As for Russia, all of [Vladimir] Putin's posturing is for show. Since he's a lizard, as well, he'll be fine after the election.

L: I don't know whether to be afraid about all of this or relieved that none of it was really in my hands.

C: There's no need to be afraid. The collective needs you humans to run everything, make products, farm, and reproduce to continue the cycle. We listen to you, even if it doesn't seem like things change. We know that over 75 percent of Americans want more money and to have burdensome loans forgiven. We know that Wells Fargo executives should be punished. We just can't enact the change too fast. Barry's [President Barack Obama] main problem was that he really went gung-ho and defied the rules. Too much change and too quickly. That's why Donald has been so successful - if the progression were slower we could have weeded out the malcontents.

L: And, by malcontents, you mean the basket of deplorables?

C: Exactly. Donald is very frank so he calls them scumbags, but I think we can rehabilitate them. We shouldn't be so quick to jettison them from our society or ignore their opinions.

L: We are close to the end of our time but I have to ask about the email server.

C: No problem. As it was explained to me, it's incredibly tough to set up an email server so when my people got it running they didn't care that it wasn't as secure as it could be.

L: Right, but what about the deleted emails and classified information?

C: If you had a personal email address and got sensitive data, wouldn't you simply delete it? Of course you would. In hindsight, for my situation, was that the best thing to do? Obviously not. But I didn't know that at the time. You don't know you're insecure until you get hacked.

L: That makes sense, in a strange way. Before we close, do you have any final words?

C: Yes. When I win, I will stick to the plan laid out by the collective. Higher minimum wage, student loan debts forgiven, sensible reform for laws surrounding firearms, immigration, and taxes. We will eliminate ISIS and not create another, more frightening cell of terrorism in its wake. We will continue to spray citizens with chemicals delivered by planes and jets. We will also try to hire some police officers who weren't the jocks you hated in high school, in an attempt to reduce some of these tragic shootings. Be with me this November. We are stronger together!

L: Thank you for your time, Secretary Clinton.

C: And you for yours. Take care!

A wise man once looked me in the eye and said: "I think the fat one is taken. But, I'm also pretty sure we could tag team the hot one."

That is all.

This whole rant was actually a Facebook status update that grew too large. I now have to link to this page. Now, to preface this I'd like to state that politically, I consider myself a centrist who leans to the left, particularly on social issues. So it stands to reason that most of my friends fall to the left, if not far left. When I woke up today I saw a few posts about some offensive comments Rush Limbaugh made. Big surprise, the man is a professional buffoon for a living. Round about lunch time the fire over Rushgate had reached a fevered pitch.

"Man, I gotta read what he said! He must have done something like eat a live minority baby while peeing on the Quran!!!"

So I looked it up, and he made some rather harsh and misogynistic comments about the young lady who testified in that reproductive rights hearing the other day. Disgusting and crude? Absolutely. Worth a Facebook campaign and clogging up my newsfeed? Absolutely not. This isn't even in the top twenty of vile, bullshit comments that has issued for from this man's mouth over the years. As a sufferer of numerous neurological disorders, I was highly offended by his comments about Michael J. Fox. Did I go all Spartacus, proclaim that we should rise as a nation and demand this jackal be placed into a pillory? No. I realized that kind of attention would only serve his goal of kicking up controversy.

Then I started noticing the petitions and half-assed boycotts. Giving lists of companies that were BELIEVED to be sponsors of Limbaugh's show. Think about that for a second. Such was the ferver whipped up by an insult hurled at a now public figure, that boycotts were being called against companies were THOUGHT to have ANY tie to the Rush Limbaugh Show. That's shittier fact checking than Fox News. There were companies issuing public statements that they were not now or ever associated with Limbaugh's show. And some of the ACTUAL sponsors did actually pull their sponsorship.

Seriously, this guy is a circus clown. We should not get this upset over someone purposely saying outrageous shit to get ratings. If anything we should kick back, secure in the knowledge this jester is THE dominant voice of the republican party

So to all of you out there behind the clogging of my news feed, congratulations on your hard fought victory. Not the morally just and righteous victory for reproductive rights you won yesterday. No... the morally reprehensible and self-righteous victory against free and unpopular speech you won today. McCarthy and the PMRC would be proud.

Go private and take a look at what's been posted!

I'm calling you out, brother! Get the weekend of July 15th off!!!!

So for any not in the loop, I've declared an RPG Weekend friday July 15th to Sunday July 17th. So weasel a Friday and Saturday off, Stone. Make me some of that rum punch for my birthday. I'll make us all a bunch of "Barry Motherfuckin' Lyndons". Word to the motherland.

The Kubrick drinks have to have a Grape based liquor and a whiskey based liquor.

So after inventing the Barry Lyndon the other night I decided that I should start making cocktails out of whiskey products and grape based liquors. Then I should start naming them after Kubrick films. Anyone can feel free to add to this list.

Eyes Wide Shut - cheap red wine and Red Stag
The Shining - cheap brandy and corn whiskey
Full Metal Jacket - cognac and Jack Daniels

That's all I have right now.

Had a great time at Stoneman's in Boston the other night. Stone, your rum punch owns my soul. Then we created that second batch which wasn't so great. And by the end of the night I was so thrashed I started drinking champagne/bourbon cocktails. I think I'm gonna name that drink the Barry Motherfuckin' Lyndon.

no, Boston was never a serious suggestion. that said I don't think mike is in town this weekend, but we'll play it by ear... if nothing else you me and spo will play Dark Heresy.

I'm flexible if Mike is, but from my understanding he's got some fucking whirlwind tour of the northeast. Just so I'm clear, would you and Liza be willing to host us in boston the weekend of the 8th. Would that work out for you?

First of all, I should preface this with where I stand on the illegal immigration issue; I'm of the opinion that there needs to be some control over it, the system is broken but it's the only one in place at the moment. If it is unfair to Mexicans, then they should do what every other immigrant group in America's history has done: the ones who are here already need to become active in their communities and government and change unfair policies from the inside. I'm sorry your country sucks, but it doesn't give you a right to break our laws. I understand the cartels have a stranglehold on the Mexican government. This is no different than any other migration in history. Mexicans are not the first immigrant group to experience this, they're just the latest. My ancestors had to leave Ireland because the English were going to sell them to the Dutch as military conscripts. Then they came to this country to be greeted by NINA signs at every job they tried to get. But they did not swim across the Atlantic Ocean and refuse to even attempt to gain citizenship through legitimate means.

Danny Trejo was the man and the action was balls out insane., but it was preachier than a Rage Against The Machine Album. Basically 10 minutes in I'm like "I get it, illegal Mexicans are all wonderful people and anyone who gives two shits about the boarder is a lousy racist. It's seriously that preachy. Spo and I were saying "Is it wrong that I want to vote for the corrupt senator?" It was like a collection of ass-kickery sandwiched between hamfisted attempts at social commentary. And let's just say that Jessica Alba's stirring speech isn't going to win her any Oscars. Robert Rodriguez generally is very conscious about the strengths and weaknesses of his actors and will use them to great affect, he even makes Lindsay Lohan watchable. But his attempt at letting Jessica Alba do some theatrical heavy lifting went beyond laughable, into me actually feeling bad for Ms. Alba. On the plus side Michelle Rodriguez has given me a fetish for chicks with eyepatches. Suffice it to say, I'm of a split mind on this movie.

Because neither is exactly my cup of tea. I'm willing to bet it's a site better than whatever sackless indie bullshit iTunes is telling you to like this week. And that woman's ass was magnificent, you're just hating because your penis is too tiny to properly do anal to it.

Ever since Action Widow started becoming more active in the cosplay community, I have been dwelling on how awesome it would be to have a flame thrower. So much so that I have compiled a list of activities that I think would be rad as fuck with a flame thrower involved. The following are in no particular order.

• Skeet shooting- think about it instead of clay pigeons you could use steaks. Then after wards your lawn would be littered with delicious steaks instead of shattered clay.
• Snow shoveling- No more strained muscles, no slip and falls, no heart attacks. Just fire ol' painful on to your drive way and melt away the snow.
• Ridding the world of anime fans- The synthetic fibers of their costumes practically turn into napalm when flame hits them... this is God's work.
• Monopoly- Flame throwers can spice this boring game up. "I wanna be the boot." "I want the doggy!" "I'm gonna be the FLAMETHROWER!!!"
• Hunting- This is efficiency at it's simplest. Kill the thing WHILE you are cooking it.
• Football- Sure you may be fast enough to avoid a tackle, but can you avoid a flame thrower?
• Cleaning- This is honestly the only way that I can think of to clean my condo. Burn away any bath tub stains, or at least cover them with scorch marks.
• Nascar- Half the viewers are watching to witness a flaming carnage, why not insure that they get that.
• Cutting the lawn- fast and efficient... and it gives your grass that lovely black and gray color.
• Brew coffee- The world's first 10 second pot of coffee. Convenient AND tasty.

If you hire Machete to take out the bad guy, make sure you aren't the bad guy.

Pants. I've recently found that one of my most hated things in life for me is pants. I find them generally uncomfortable... They just wind up getting stained... and they keep me from seeing girls genitals. Pants suck. I also wish it was socially acceptable to drop trow and take a whiz at a urinal. Instead I have to unzip the fly, fish out my junk, let 'er rip, try and expel all the whiz, pray to ceiling cat that I don't have any left over pee left in my ding dong (which is possible because depending how tight your pants/unners are, your wang may be compressed slightly, think a kink a garden hose)... hopefully I haven't visibly pissed myself at this point. Fuck pants.

ike's Rant about flash. Fuck you. Flash is the industry standard for streaming video right now. Deal with it. Are there better technologies? Yes, but I don't see them being adapted by the public. Betamax was a superior recordable technology. Laserdisc was the crispest audio/video experience of its time. The Atari Jaguar had super slick 32 bit graphics, years before the Playstation. Just because a technology is better, doesn't the public will back it, and if the public won't get behind it, you ain't got shit. Some companies just can't deal with the fact they don't live in a vacuum, where only tech they approve of exists and is used by the public. Flash rulez and I can view it on my netbook at any time.

Upper respiratory infections. I've been fighting this bastard since late December. I'm starting to worry I caught the Gay Cancer like Freddie Mercury. Me and Jim Henson are going to be the only ones in the last 40 years to die of pneumonia.

Anyone who knows that I'm loud and obnoxious should try sitting next to my seat-mate at work. I actually bought ear plugs today and I'm pretty sure she still won't get the hint to shut the fuck up.

Nice overhaul. I still don't see why you need to leave facebook over it though.

Better then Bronson.