Ahh yes, Halloween.

When I was a child in the 80's, news reports circled annually, warning parents to inspect all the candy their children would bring home that year.

Razor blades in Snickers bars!

Smarties made of cocaine!

The warnings followed a formula about other dangers throughout the year.

Don't get change from pay phones – people are putting AIDS needles in there!

Think twice before you signal someone with their headlights off at night – it might be a gang initiation and you'll be killed!

As a kid, I didn't give a shit about any of those things. I gave zero thought to the idea that one of my neighbors might put a razor blade in my fun size candy bite. If I had done so, I'd have realized those warnings were absolute bullshit within moments.

Young me probably wouldn't have had the vocabulary but he would have meant to ask, "How is it possible that a discontiguous group of people acrosss the United States (or other environs) have all simultaneously decided to harm and/or poison children?"

I'd like to think that, had I asked anything like that question, my parents would have displayed some critical thinking skills when formulating their response.

Nobody was putting shit in the candy. Or the pay phones. Unspecified gangs weren't making new members drive at night to find unsuspecting, helpful chumps to ambush.

More recently, there's been a lot of annual stories about the "parking lot" scheme – all across the country, groups of sex traffickers are distracting/marking women in parking lots. Ostensibly, this is to abduct them and force them into prostitution.

But here's good news: Just like the nonsense from my childhood, it's not really a thing!

Did some kid find a razor blade in their candy at one point? Did someone randomly get pricked by a syringe trying to retrieve change from a payphone once? Was there an incident of people being robbed after alerting another driver about a lack of headlights? Has a woman been abducted by sex traffickers after being identified in a grocery store parking lot?

Undoubtedly. But any such instances are isolated. Common sense tells you this. There's no concerted effort behind any of these things. You don't need to expend any extra brain power being alert for them.

Enter Rainbow Fentanyl

First, let's acknowledge that the U.S. has a problem with prescription drug abuse. It's no laughing matter that lots of people are stuck and suffering, and our stupid government is unhelpful at best.

Second, let's acknowledge that the overwhelming majority of police departments in this country are filled with, at the minimum, lying assholes.

Now, naturally, those self-serving shitbags are going to take that isolated incident of a rainbow fentanyl bust and turn it into a whole thing. In this case, it's the tried-and-true Halloween candy scare. Keep in mind: When I say "isolated incident," it's probably a number greater than one. But, no matter what that number is, let's apply some of that reasonable thought young me would have displayed.

How is it possible that a discontiguous group of people acrosss the United States (or other environs) have all simultaneously decided to harm and/or poison children?

And, since this is an expensive and addictive substance, let's apply a little more scrutiny to it.

Why would anyone go to the trouble of passing these drugs to kids for free on Halloween?

Because it isn't possible. Nobody would go to such trouble. The very premise doesn't stand up to the slightest inquiry.

So, this Halloween – like every single Halloween before it – let your kids enjoy the night!