I write this as the country waits for the U.S. House to resume following six failed votes to elect a Speaker. While I suspect that Kevin McCarthy will eventually give up enough ass to win the post he so clearly and desperately desires, let me offer another alternative.


As is the case with me running Twitter, I suspect that Republicans and other conservative folks might not be happy with my rules and procedures as Speaker of the House. But I can tell you that in no way will I bend the knee to the Democrats. Anyone I deem to be a smartass or acting in poor faith will be called into my office and physically threatened. When legislation needs to pass, I'll suspend any rules necessary to get it passed. Better rules, term limits, Congressional paycuts, funding with riders, but a hesitant House? Passed, irrespective of the vote.

I don't have a long list of reasons like I did for running Twitter, but I'll say right now: My iron fist will apply just as much to Jim Jordan, with his copypasta nonsense speeches, as to Al Green, with his out-of-order floor speeches. (And, keep in mind, I fucking love Al Green's out-of-order floor speeches.)

Peace out.