I'm marking this is a joke but I'm partially serious. Let me run Twitter.

Immediate Suspensions

Day one of my rule, I'll immediately and permanently suspend all the grifters and bullies I know of. Accounts like @JDCocchiarella, @ACTBrigitte, @realTuckFrumper, and @libsoftiktok. Gone for good. Check out my "Raise Your Hand if You're a Grifter" for more detail but bannable offenses include:

  • TDS

  • Special characters in usernames/bios/posts

  • Overuse of GIFs and emojis

  • Anti-vaccine

  • Complaining about pronouns

  • Being Dinesh D'Souza or the Meiselas brothers

The Main Feed

As soon as possible, the main twitter feed will change so that all users are opted-out of the algorithm by default. They can opt back in if they want to see trending bullshit. If you want to use the algorithm you see ads. If you stay opted out, no ads. If you're opted out, you'll be able to toggle whether you see activity of your mutuals beyond their posts (ex: you can hide retweets or likes).


Verification goes away. End of discussion. Users will be able to flag impersonations, and an account that, say, is pretending to be Neil Young, will be suspended.


The main feed will be moderated to typical standards. Not Musk's idea of free speech. So conservative crybabies will hate it. My guidelines are pretty liberal. You get a strike for stuff like:

  • Misgendering

  • Making fun of someone's appearance/weight/etc.

  • Mis/disinformation

  • Inaccessible media (see below)

  • Hashtag spam

Three strikes and you're permanently suspended.

Mass-Reporting Campaigns

If a post/user gets a flood of reports we'll investigate. If it turns out that it was a mass-report campaign (a user/users/group encouraging others to report for whatever reason) then all the users who filed the reports get two strikes – even if the report is accurate.


All images will be required to have ALT text or be marked as decorative only. Users will be able to report bad ALT text (user fills in a random characters to hit the minimum) or images marked as decorative but aren't. The poster can fix the issue or get a strike.

All videos will be required to have a transcript, be marked as containing accurate captions, or be marked as audio-only or no audio. Users will be able to report problems for this and the poster can fix the issue or get a strike.

Users can report accounts/posts using special characters. The issue can be fixed or a strike can be issued.


In contrast to the main feed, users will be able to create communities and moderate them independent of Twitter – very much like discussion forums. Want to talk about guns & ammo? Make a community. Keep that shit off the main feed. Romance writers? Community.

Communities that violate some of the main feed rules will be removed and the participants will get strikes. Ex: None of that "gender critical" bullshit as a community.

Ingrid Jacques

As promised, let me explain why she's as bad as Rex Huppke.

She was hired to be the polar opposite of him. Accordingly, she posts dumb articles with the same smarmy tone from the other end of the field. Stories like, "‘Inclusive’ restaurant turns away Christian group because of its beliefs. Who's the bigot?" and, "Progressives want to ban Amy Coney Barrett's book. How can they think that's OK?"

Shut up, Ingrid. You're a lousy excuse for a journalist.